EXPAT

GOING HOME SERIES: 5 expectations to explore before expats return home

2017, EXPAT, EXPAT GOING HOME Catie

“How was your trip over there?” a sweet but not close friend asked me.

It was the fall of 2009, and I had just finished my two-week visit back to the states. Little did she know that for the 100th time, she asked me the same questions everyone else had. Even harder still, she had used the word ‘trip.’ This was my first visit back to the states after living 13 months abroad. In my mind, while not all of my earthly possession had accompanied me, I had entirely moved to another city and established myself there.

I learned early on not to be offended by the use of that word. In most people’s mind, my expat life and living arrangements were/are temporary. And in their minds, expats will forever belong to their native country and that time living in another country could be considered ‘extended travel.’ It can be hard to grasp that, just like Americans move to other states and it is not a ‘trip,’ so is moving to another country.

That story above is just one example of the vast amounts of interactions you will have with others as you visit your native country. Learning to manage your expectations for your return ‘home’ will be a significant benefit to you, and it doesn’t take that long.

Taking a half hour, evaluate the areas listed below, and consider how they apply to your life, family and friends and home country.

  1. Don’t expect your family will understand you.

    I write this being thankful that we, for the most part, have understanding, loving, and interested parents and family members. But I also know that most have NOT been to Turkey and for them to understand what our lives look like is not fair. You may find yourself frustrated or short tempered if they don’t remember things you have shared. Do you remember everything they have shared from their lives? Have grace and patience and consider starting from ground zero, re-explaining your live and stories you may have already shared. This allows for lots of room for understanding and especially room for them to hopefully tell you, “I remember you telling me about this!”

  2. Much has changed in your life, but maybe not theirs. In return, perhaps you are 3-4, 5, even 10 years into your expat years, but a lot more has changed for your friends back ‘home.’

    You may find yourself overloading the conversation with all your stories, triumphs and woes of moving abroad, but consider asking questions about their lives as well. While their lives look different, it is still as relevant. You may find that your friends back home have moved on and your ‘home’ country has drastically changed with time. For us, we visit my home state for two reasons, my brother and a couple of friends we consider families. But for the most part, our time is now spent in another state 14 hours away by car because our friends and rest of the family live there.Consider your ‘whys’ of visiting that area and make the most of the people who are left there. Otherwise, consider planning to visit those close, #1 friends that have moved away. I find seeing where they live and their lives in their new cities help keep a friendship going and deepens the relationship!

  3. Prepare for cultural and political transitions

    New presidents, rulers, political parties are bound to change out over time…as well as your opinion of them since moving abroad. Or perhaps, your expat country has had some interesting changes that others want to ask you about! Ask yourself how you feel about these new changes and how you will respond questions about it.

  4. Prepare and expect there to be uninterested parties.

    There are some reasons for this. Some people just don’t have interest in travel and other countries. More possible, they may not have the context or background to understand the culture and country. For others, and I hate to write this, returning expats may face jealousy from friends and loved ones. Consider how you will help others understand. How can you love those people even if you never discuss your life abroad? Interestingly enough, there are people I considered close friends who didn’t care at all about my overseas life. Eventually, I had to face the hard truth that maybe those friendship were great for a season, but aren’t great for this new season of life.

  5. Added family members change the atmosphere, maybe a new in-law or added children.

    Adding to your family will always change the dynamics! Consider when the best time is for you to travel home. Is it best to travel around the holiday, will everyone be able to get together, or are other times less stressful times?

How do you counteract this? Great question! 

Here are a few other tips to help you manage your expectations for reentry:

  1. Have you already notice friends or family that communicate last with you? Make a list of those who may need a little extra background to understand you better.
  2. Tell your life in small doses. Use images and stories to help others understand where you live. I use the phrase ‘show me, don’t tell me’ when trying to explain your culture to family and friends.
  3. For those family or friends who seem to be uninterested, figure out what you do have in common and start from there. Perhaps your words are changing their perspective on the world and will create a curiosity about your life!
  4. If you can, find a mentor couple or another family whose has previously lived abroad who wants you to share everything. Jason and I are fortunate to have a few families that have lived overseas, even in Turkey, before. We have found it much easier to express our joys and frustrations with them because they have once been where we are!

Bonus: Tell people how much you care for them. Yep! Seems a weird one on this list, but how many times do we forget to share how much others mean to us?

Here is your FREE worksheet to make sure you cover your expat visit home well!

Questions for you:

  • Are you an expat living in a foreign country? If so, where?
  • What expectation has been the hardest?
  • What would you add to this list?

 

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RAMBLINGS: Are systems and workflows truly productive?

2017, EVERYDAY LIFE, EXPAT LIFE, WORK Catie 2 Comments on RAMBLINGS: Are systems and workflows truly productive?

(Welcome to Day 1 of a 31 day challenge to write 500 words or more.  For more on that click here:  goinswriter.com)

Running together is like, his least favorite thing to do. But talking while running is worse which usually means I promise not to talk to him if we run together.

Yet, my loving husband found himself on a run with his wife NOT listening to his podcast like he prefers but instead, once again was helping me process how to be more productive with my work/life balance.

He was encouraging me while doing the thing he least loves, twice over.

You see, I was yet again discouraged and hard on myself for not staying on task and in return not making very much progress to my to-do list. It’s not the first time we have had this conversation and in fact, I thought I WAS doing well at it. That morning, instead of writing, I found myself finishing my Christmas Card list, Christmas shopping, and spent way to much time on my phone.

How did I get distracted when I had started with such good intentions?

We work backwards…

How did I start on the Christmas Card list? I was looking for Christmas gift and remembered I needed to send the card list to my sister.

How did I think about the Christmas gifts?  Jason has sent me text message thanking me for taking care of the gifs.

Message = Trigger

Ugh. Totally not his fault.

But really what has started this problem was I was ALREADY distracted before starting to write. WHY? My phone. I usually bring my phone out of my room and jump straight onto everything that I missed while I was sleeping 9 hours ahead of the states.

Real Trigger = Opening my phone before I finish my morning routine.

Other Trigger = NOT moving from my reading chair to my work area.

So we had this conversation about creating routines and systems to help me ‘have a plan’ and ‘know exactly what do to’.

 

Here are the questions that continually plague my mind:

How does a distracted and jumbled mind work productively?

How do you move past feelings to do your hard projects?

How do you tackle projects that seem too big to manage?

What is the trigger to keep me from doing the things I need to do? Is it environment? Is it my phone? Do I just say yes to every thought that comes to mind?

How do you move past wanting to take care of tasks that trigger my thoughts… that I want to do but can wait until later?

 

It seems SOOOO SIMPLE.

Just do them…

Just start your big project…

Just forget about feelings and move forward.

Just start…

But sometimes it IS NOT ENOUGH.

and

Sometimes, we are, *um* I am like a 5-year-old and can’t seem to resist the temptations, like NOT looking at my phone… or Instagram… or anything else.

 

So you know what? I am starting to put the Triggers out of hands reach. 

What does that even mean?

 

Here are a few guidelines I will work on to help create triggers and boundaries:

I will leave my phone in my room until I finish my morning routine and 1-hour writing.

I will start my writing at my desk or dining table.

I will start changing environments for different task –

  • Consider using a coffee shop right after Turkish lessons to do my homework so I don’t put it off.
  • Consider another writing location for Monday’s and Friday when I do most of my writing.

I will create a task list the night before to know what my next morning will look like

I will place that task list in front of me so I know what my top 3 are for the day.

I will have a list of random thoughts that come to mind while I am working.

 

Who’s with me???

Questions for you:

Who else has this problem?

Who will keep me accountable?

What tips do you have for me?

Catie FunkTravels Izmir Turkey

GOING HOME SERIES: 6 practical ways to destress your next expat visit ‘home’

2017, EXPAT, EXPAT GOING HOME Catie

Only 3 days into our travels to the states, stress, and anxiousness were starting to creep into my mind. Our first travels back to states after living in Turkey for a year was combined with our 1 month travels through SE Asia. While I thought it was a good idea, I was starting to see some of the holes in my preparation for our time in the states. 

I started asking myself:

How was I going to see everyone in the short time I had? Why did we pick this time to come? How could I have reflected and prepared more so I don’t feel this way next time? How was I going to get my ‘to-do list’ done while spending quality time with other? How was I going to see everyone in the short time I had? Why did we pick this time to come? How could I have reflected and prepared more so I don’t feel this way next time?

Not only was I starting to feel overwhelmed by all I wanted to do, I was frustrated in my expectations of myself and what I thought I COULD do. Up until now, all of my returns to the states the 4 years I lived abroad were as a single gal. This time there were 2 of us which just means that I literally can not just go and do like I did before. We needed to think ahead and have some stability in our plans to help us stay on the same page during our visits.

Not only was I starting to feel overwhelmed by all I wanted to do, I was frustrated in my expectations of myself and what I thought I COULD do. Click To Tweet

Catie FunkTravels Izmir Turkey

 

Here are 6 practical ways you can destress your next travels back ‘home’:

  1. Reflect and prioritize.

What is most important to you? What do you want to do with this time? Family? Certain friends? Enjoying food you missed? Make a list of what you would like to do then make a ‘MUST HAPPEN’ list and a ‘WOULD LIKE TOO’ list.

  1. List of people you want to see and schedule time

The temptation could be to wait until your friends back in your native home contact you. Waiting could upset you and even make you sad if your friends do not reach out to you. Instead, I suggest reaching out to the people you want to visit and encourage them to set a time.

If you are at the receiving end, I HIGHLY encourage you to communicate with your returning expat out BEFORE they come home. While you think it will magically all work out, your returning expat may be concerned about seeing everyone and making time for good, meaningful conversations. Just because your expat is visiting does not mean their schedule is free for whenever you to decide when to meet. Also, reaching out shows your expat they are loved and valued by you. Waiting for your expat friend to contact you is a test your retuning expat may not pass due to the marathon of visits they are making in their short visit.

Just remember that visiting friends and scheduling visits work BOTH ways! Don’t test each other by waiting to see who will contact who first.

Just remember that scheduling visits work BOTH ways! Don't test each other by waiting to see who will contact who first. Click To Tweet

3. Schedule time for family vacation

Going back ‘home’ for visit doesn’t always seem like a vacation, and it can be hard on the family to squeeze in time between work and daily responsibilities. If quality uninterrupted family time is important to you, schedule your visit to the states according, but also let that expectation be known to your family.

 

4. Schedule white space

Filling up all your breakfasts, lunches, and dinners can seem okay when you aren’t actually in your ‘home’ country, but it is a recipe for disaster.  As you plan your visit block off time for your family (especially if you are married and/or have kids) to enjoy something fun together, play games, interact and reflect together through discussions and questions.

5. Have any online purchases bought and shipped.

I have a running list of items I either want from America and/or foods I want to remember to purchase. If possible, try to purchase what you want online before getting to the states which will free up more time to spend with people, handle returns if needed, and require less shopping when you get there.

6. Handle warranty items before you go.

I packed a few items with me to the states that I knew I wanted to be replaced. All of the warranty questions where handles via customer care numbers and emails. If I had done this before I left, the items would have just been waiting for me. Instead, I had to handle them in the middle of our visit.

 

In the end, preparation can be helpful, but the unexpected always pop up. Schedule in that downtime or white space gives you some cushion!

  • Are you an expat living abroad? If so, where?
  • What tips do you have for visits back to your home country?
  • What steps above might you try for your next visit home?

 

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P.S. – This is the first post of a 6 part series called EXPAT GOING HOME SERIES. Stay tuned for the following articles:

2017 FunkTravels Catie Funk Singapore Fisherman's Wharf

GOING HOME SERIES: 6 ways to make your expat visit ‘home’ more enjoyable (Part 1)

2017, Culture, EXPAT, EXPAT GOING HOME, EXPAT LIFE Catie 2 Comments on GOING HOME SERIES: 6 ways to make your expat visit ‘home’ more enjoyable (Part 1)

If this is your first time living in another country, you maybe find yourself going through reverse culture shock when you return home. It is possible that feelings of frustrations and bitterness towards friends and family who may not have kept up with your life abroad.  You may also find it hard to explain the culture and life you have lived in for the last year. Because culture and questions about everyday life usually overshadow the conversations, the harder it will be sharing the deeper more meaningful moments that happened to you. In addition, personally, I have found the longer you live abroad, the less you want to talk about the small details of culture anyways.

Because culture and questions about everyday life usually overshadow the conversations, the harder it will be sharing the deeper more meaningful moments . Click To Tweet

If you are just wanting to prepare for a better return trip to your native country, preparation is key. Know that you are returning back to your native home where life has moved on without you. While you may consider your transition to be harder or greater, remember that your friends and family have also conquered their own battles. And if they have never visited your new home (or traveled much), the questions may be harder to form. Generally, the offense is unintentional.

While you may consider your transition to be harder or greater, remember that your friends and family have also conquered their own battles Click To Tweet

With preparation, expats can adjust their expectations of their friends and family back home. With even more prep, they can adjust expectations of themselves and how to help the conversations move toward the direction they need as well. 

2017 FunkTravels Catie Funk Singapore Cruise Tour

Here are 6 ways you can help those back ‘home’ understand better:

  1. Think of what questions they will ask you when you get back. (ex. What is the best and worst thing about living overseas, etc.)

Much to Jason’s sadness, I am a reflector and evaluator – see here and here (link to review post). I love setting goals even if I can’t achieve them. I like to see what we have done over the past year. All this means that we do a lot of questions answering ourselves about the good, the bad, and the ugly. In turn, it has made going home much easier because we don’t have to think about the answers to the question others will ask us!

And now, much to your advantage, I also wrote a list of them here. Take these questions and work through them alone or as a family. If your friends or family are thoughtful with their questions, your answers should be respectfully thoughtful in return.

  1. Short answers that answer the questions swiftly.

A friend of mine spent a summer in Africa, and in 6 short weeks, she grew into such a different person. Upon arriving home, she spent the next 48 hours (minus sleeping hours) talking about all that happened and what she learns. Unfortunately for her (and us), we probably tuned out about 1 hour into it.  Your friends and family are capable of lengthy discussion, but sometimes without the context to understand all you are sharing, it could be hard for them to follow along. So instead of talking about what the 30 types of olives are at the weekly market, consider talking about the market and that there are olives there. Help build a base so later you can go deeper.

Help build a base so later you can go deeper. Click To Tweet
  1. Short stories can be powerful.

Sometimes you only have 5 minutes with friends. Those passing meeting can be some of the most rewarding conversations if you prepare for them!  The usually questions begin: “You’re back! Where are you living now? Do you like it there? and how are you?” Instead of just saying “Ummm… good. It’s great”, consider a different approach.

The company I was a part of my first international move shared a great tip for expat returning home. For more meaningful short interactions, prepare 4-5 3 minutes stories that have grown you over the last year to year. Your friend says, ” How are you?” You may say, “ok” OR you can say “Actually, I have a 2 minute story to tell you about how I have learned to…. in the past year. Do you want to hear it?” Then proceed with your story.

For more meaningful short interactions, prepare 4-5 3 minutes stories that have grown you over the last year to year. Click To Tweet

 

2017 FunkTravels Catie Funk Singapore Merlion

 

  1. Plan to visit people before you get to the states.

When we first booked our 4 weeks in the states, I thought, “oh, we have plenty of time!” The first week in Louisiana felt too short, then halfway through the 2nd week in Iowa, I melted down about how we didn’t have enough time! Our problem wasn’t enough time. Our problem was not planning ahead and we assumed people would contact us or make time for us. Remember: Your friends, while they want to see you, are busy with their normal lives! If you really want to meet with people, reach out to the most important ones first. Then if there are others, meet them in groups or with other people as well.

  1. Make a mini photo book and have it ready to show people

Walgreens ran a free mini photo book (maybe 40 pictures) sale right after our wedding and I bought one for all the parents in our family and ourselves. That first summer we traveled to Turkey together for the first time and saw old friends. That photo book was so handy and I whipped it out every time we talked about our wedding. I regret to tell you I did no such thing this last visit to the states. We assume this day in age, that our social media lives are followed by everyone and that all should know what we did during our expat year. But unfortunately, that is not the case and honestly, people just forget. Having a photo book is a natural and easy way to share your lives visually with others. (Read more ways to document your time abroad.)

We assume this day in age, that our social media lives are followed by everyone and that all should know what we did during our expat year. Click To Tweet
  1. Give others AND yourselves grace.

No matter how long you spend visiting your home country, time escapes all of us. There will always be places we did go, things we didn’t do, and people we didn’t see.  And in fact, I would suggest that you do have that list of what you did and things you are thankful for while you visit. Your time home also needs to refresh you and help you process your time living in another country. So be ok with saying no and instead, resting for a day, going out to a movie or just staying home to spend time with your expat family.

 

  • Do you live in another country other than your native one? If so, where?
  • What ways do you prepare before going back to your native country?
  • Which one of this 6 tips stuck out to you?

 

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P.S. – This is the first post of a 6 part series called EXPAT GOING HOME SERIES. Stay tuned for the following articles:

Catie FunkTravels Izmir Turkey Urkmez

GOING HOME SERIES: 8 ways you can bless your returning expats

2017, EXPAT, EXPAT GOING HOME Catie

Going ‘home’ after a year of living in another country and culture is not always easy. My single, extroverted, newly college grad self that moved to Turkey the first time would thrive on going ‘home’ and would love to visit friends and eat the southern foods I missed so much! While I was thriving off of the time I spent in my own culture, my finances were not (Thanks, Dad and Mom for the support and feeding me!).

Being our first time to go home since moving to Turkey a year ago, it seemed to be more stressful as I thought about finances or all the logistics of travel, dinners, and visits. Yes, some of it was by choice, but the craziness of travel is always worth it in my mind!

Before ever leaving the states, one of our goals for our first 3-year timeline in Turkey was to travel home every year, and we were willing to make it work (and use our airline miles to do so!). We know that in the future it may not be as affordable nor flexible enough for us to do so. The fact that we have 7 nieces and nephews is a strong reason as well!

While we were not in ‘need’, we definitely had some pretty sweet friends provide in super awesome ways. Which got me thinking about how other state-side (or native friends) may be interested in how they could also bless returning expats in the future!

That being said, here are 8 ways you can bless your expats that are returning home:

1. Invite them to dinner or just bring them dinner.
Jason and I don’t have kids yet and it was usually easier to visit our friends by going to their home. To be honest, it was sometimes exhausting. If you are able to, ask your expat, (especially if they have children) what would be easier for them. Even better ask them if there is a favorite food they would like to have.

2. Ask good questions and really want to hear the answer.
There are some visits that are just easier than others. But the ones we most enjoy are people who ask good questions. Don’t know what those are? I wrote about 10 thoughtful questions to ask your returning expat.

3. Welcome Home basket with their favorite goodies (and some of your own!) – (OR even JUST A NOTE to say hello!)
If other expats are like me, then they will have a running list of items or food they miss from their native country. For me, it is dried mangos, blueberries, sweet potatoes, Target dollar section, stationary… Just like you prepare gift baskets for new moms or new homeowner, a basket of goodies with American snacks and treats is never a bad idea!

4. Gift Cards for groceries or restaurants
Expats move around a lot on their visits. And if they don’t have a home-base like we did, then that means they will have to eat on the road as they travel. Consider a gift card to a restaurant or visa card for however they want to use it.

5. Online shopping gift cards (ex. Amazon)
Turkey is great and we can get most everything we need. However, there may only be 1 kind of it. And the art and craft store, Hobby Lobby? Not a thing here. Consider a gift card to store you know your expat like to buy from when they return home. Amazon, Target, movie theater, gas cards, etc. are just the start!

Catie FunkTravels Izmir Turkey Urkmez

For the extremely generous or able givers out there:

6. Provide housing –

Our family and friends were so sweet to offer us places to stay. Especially our longer 3 weeks in Iowa, a friend (as well as family) offered us their basement apartment to spread out in – with a living room, bedroom, and bathroom, it was a place we were able to be alone and rest if we needed too. On the other hand, if you are willing and your expat friends don’t take you up on the offer, don’t be offended! For some expats, staying with family can be more stressful than not staying with family. We are just trying to figure out what will be restful for us taking time away from foreign culture while trying to see everyone as much as possible.

For some expats, staying with family can be more stressful than not staying with family. We are just trying to figure out what will be restful for us taking time away from foreign culture while trying to see everyone as much as… Click To Tweet

7. Provide a car –

Rental cars in the states can be pricey! We did rent a car to drive from New Orleans, Louisiana to Des Moines, Iowa, and National was the best we found at $550 with no one-way fee! But it was really nice to know that we didn’t have to pay for a month’s worth of rental car.

8. Share airline miles –

Some people used credit card rewards for hotels, Jason and I used them for airline miles. This summer Catie was able to fly home and back for around $100 thanks to airline miles! If you have miles that will expire, consider donating them to an expat friend.

 

Our family and friends were so very generous with us! (Thank you!) They have also asked us good questions when we return home. I hope sharing what they did for us could encourage others who may not know what to do for their visiting or returning expat!

  • Do you know someone that is living in another country?
  • How often do they make it back to the states?
  • Do you want to do something thoughtful but don’t know how? What blessing stood out to you?
  • What other ways do you like to bless those who come back home?

 

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P.S. – This is the first post of a 6 part series called EXPAT GOING HOME SERIES. Stay tuned for the following articles:

Going Home Series: 10 thoughtful questions to ask your returning expats

Going Home Series: 8 ways you can bless your returning expats

Going Home Series: 6 ways to make your expat visit ‘home’ more enjoyable

Going Home Series: 6 practical ways to destress your next expat visit ‘home’

Going Home Series: Self-care and why it is important for expat returning home

Going Home Series: Managing expectations for expats returning home